The past few days I’ve done a lot of reflecting on this trip and what I’ll take away from the last 10 months I just spent in South America. When I sit back and really think about what will stick with me as my life carries on, I realize it’s not the literal places I’ve been or beautiful landscapes I’ve seen, but the people I’ve met and formed bonds with. I feel super grateful to have explored stunning places like Machu Picchu, the coasts of Colombia and Ecuador, the Salt Flats in Bolivia, bustling cities like Buenos Aires and La Paz, and the mountains of Patagonia, but it’s the reveling in the human experience with others from all walks of life that has really made this trip special. The locations themselves didn’t really matter as much– some of the best and most hilarious memories this year unfolded in buses and places I’d consider somewhat boring on paper– the common theme is they usually were with people I felt deeply connected with.

It’s a strange rhythm you get into traveling solo for such a long time– you meet people from all over, inevitably get super close with some of them, laugh your ass off and have various experiences together, and then just as you’re starting to get comfortable, you say goodbye and go your separate ways and then you’re on your own again. And then you do it all again. And again. And again, and again, and again, and again. It can be exhausting trying to find some thread of social continuity. At a certain point you kind of just have to give in to the magic of the temporary experience, knowing that there is a very good chance of never meeting this person again and accepting and appreciating this one specific alignment of time, space and human.

I found that quite often when saying goodbye to someone, we’d try to end the time together with some sliver of a loose plan to see each other again and making the good times last forever (“yeah maybe I’ll be in Spain in 2020 and we can meet up then”). But I also think there’s a lot of beauty in saying something to the tune of, “you know what, we probably aren’t ever going to see each other again, and certainly not under these circumstances, but wow what a damn good time we had together”. I hope we do see each other again, but let’s just let it be what it was without overthinking what the sequel will look like.

I’ve recently been able to put into words something that has made my life happier and more stress-free, and it’s simple and effective if you commit to it. I find that having a strong ability to articulate your intentions to others and provide honest context towards your situation and thought process makes for a life where misunderstandings drop like flies. 

You see, humans are social animals, and much of the stress that we build up relates to other people and the feelings of unfairness, guilt, uncertainty, and tension that can arise through our interactions with them. A lack of open communication is the root cause of these negative sentiments. Whether it be in the office environment, living with a roommate, or trying to agree on a fair price for selling used furniture, people often avoid disclosing their true feelings or intentions because it makes them feel vulnerable. The thing is, people actually respect honesty, and if you can put all your cards on the table and show that you’re seeking a reasonable and mutually beneficial outcome, you can get to places that you never thought you could with people. New and creative solutions can arise when people know exactly what you’re working with and can sense that you are being genuine. The best part is, you don’t have to worry about feeling guilty that you weren’t as forthcoming as possible, because people now know where you stand. 

The one condition to this framework is that your intentions have to come from a genuine place. You must seek positive outcomes for everyone involved. Explaining to someone that your honest intention is to rip them off isn’t going to fly too well. Dissolve the ego. People know when you’re bluffing and can tell when your intent is pure–it’s in your eyes! Ironically, shrinking the ego and the unwavering sense of self-interest that plagues so many of us is the first step in having a happier and more well-connected life. Taking things personally is not a helpful activity. 

Life can be surprisingly simple when you remove a lot of the excess nonsense. Be straightforward and honest in your actions and you won’t have to worry about a thing. Surround yourself with people that aren’t concerned with who is right and who is wrong. Default to clarity. Let me let you know where I’m coming from. I’ll listen to your side of things, I promise.

“Gifts are the essence of art. Art isn’t made as part of an even exchange, it is your chance to create imbalance, which leads to connection.”
– Seth Godin

A few weeks ago I sent a letter to two friends I hadn’t talked to in a while. Granted, I’ve been in New Zealand for six months, but we hadn’t really communicated for quite some time before I left. I have not written a letter via Pony Express since… shit, I don’t even know if I’ve ever legit sent someone a thoughtful note in the mail EVER… at least not since I was inviting kids to my birthday party in elementary school and even then that was barely personalized. I wrote a pretty in depth letter, the main message being that I was thinking about them.

I was feeling a little bit disconnected that day, and was open about my thoughts on certain things and events that had occurred between us. There was really no reason not to be forthright, but I almost didn’t include some of those thoughts. After Googling the current stamp price (45c) and rummaging through my house to find some 22 cent stamps, I slapped two of them on the envelope and dropped it off in the mailbox. Given the fact that I was one cent short of the USPS’s asking price and that I hadn’t even been witness to how mail-sending actually worked in ages, I figured I’d have about a 70% shot of the letter actually getting to where it was supposed to. That didn’t really matter though, because I felt a small tinge of connection; that no matter if anyone actually laid eyes on my note, I was still happy I’d written it and gotten my thoughts out on paper.

Completely forgot about the letter until about a week and a half later when I got a response in the mail from one of them. Just seeing it in the mailbox, completely contrasted from the pile of bills and random coupons, made me a happy guy. Not something from a company… something from a human being, intended just for me. The response was equally as long as my original message, and I was told that my letter had come at the perfect time due to a couple of recent misfortunes in their life. At the end of the letter she gave me some perspective on the events I brought up that I hadn’t even had a clue were going through her mind at the time. Bottom line, she was glad I brought them up, and she got to say some things that she hadn’t felt comfortable saying in any other setting so far.

This was sort of a mini-experiment for me but got me thinking about that Seth Godin quote, and how many awesome things can come from creating imbalance. Since writing the letter, I’ve made it a goal to be more open with people and to take the initiative to start conversations that never would have occurred otherwise. Life is too short not to let people know how you actually feel. Genuine thoughts breed genuine thoughts. One of the biggest joys in life (at least for me) is being surprised by someone you haven’t heard from in a while. Sometimes when you get stuck in a frustrating situation or are just feeling weird about your connection with certain humans, it feels really refreshing to out of the blue find out that you HAVE been in people’s thoughts. I’m definitely going to send more letters, but my challenge for you is to think of just one person that would be overjoyed to hear something you never shared with them and shoot them a note that they’re not expecting (preferably by mail). I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

Remember that kid from your elementary school who peed his pants during show and tell? Or how about your cousins’ standoffish neighbor with the intense veggie garden whose backyard you would always accidently kick the soccer ball over the fence into? They probably haven’t crossed your mind in years (unless you were that unfortunate kid with the Chia Pet), but I want you to think about this person for a moment. Envision their physical attributes, try to hear their voice; give this person way more mental energy than seems necessary. Whoever this embodiment of “that random person from my childhood” for you may be, try to give some serious thought to this question: what are they doing right now?